a zoo!


I’ve just written a long blogpost about the benefits of backing up iPhones, updating the software & what a great housesitter I make. But then I pressed something and lost the whole fucking thing. And I’m going out in an hour & have only painted the fingernails neon pink on one hand & I have to Do Eyemakeup & shizz like that, so I am going to cut to the chase, and extol the virtues of ios6, which was the point of the whole post, but you know me, I waffled on about how I loath deleting pictures of pints of beer because I feel like I am killing them…or something like that. Anyway. Backup. Update. Sort your shit out so you don’t loose over 3000 pictures when you do updates. Make friends with a geek who will tell you exactly what to do & send you highly exciting videos of geekporn. No really, I watched a video about sharing photo streams via ios6 FOUR TIMES. Get a cloud, they are out there, grab one, don’t get off on anyone elses…Copy & paste when you are writing a blog on a temperamental laptop….

But this post is all about the amazing ios6 Map app. It’s brilliant. I don’t know what else ios6 has got going for it, but the map thing is amazeballs. I looked at Ludlow this morning, according to the map we have a Woolworths. Brill, I love pick ‘n mix. And there isn’t a Tesco anymore, so I think we have gone back to 1998, which is great because I was young then & my skin didn’t have wrinkles. Then I looked at the city of my birth, Hereford. This is where the shit got exciting…Image

Look. A ZOO. In Hereford. I mean, how mean are my parents to have never taken me? Why did my school never go there on school trips? Why didn’t I sack off college & go and stare at elephants? Why haven’t I taken my notgodsons there to feed the monkeys? Why haven’t any lions escaped and caused mass panic in Widemarsh Street? Oh Apple, are you teasing me? Are you going to build the fine citizens of Hereford a zoo? I mean, we do need something exciting to happen, we can’t keep hanging around bus-stops drinking cider. Or is it, like all the best things, just a figment of someone’s imagination? But what on earth could you keep in an imaginary zoo? I asked twitter…

I started populating the zoo with wombles, a hippogriff and Henry’s Cat. @benliddell then pointed out that “you can’t keep wombles in a fucking zoo” which is true, as it goes against their whole mantra of wombling free  (and he created the hashtag #Herefordimaginaryzoo). So I added pterodactyls.  Swiftly joining the menagerie with thanks to twitter were a unicorn, Lion-o, Mavis Cruet, a flump, Professor Waffle, a cyberman, Alsan, Mr Cadburys Parrot, the Loch Ness Monster, Decard, Yoda, Data’s cat (it all went a bit scifi for a moment), Shrek, Bully from Bullseye (appropriate for Hereford), Pikachu, Roland Rat, Argos (you know, Odysseus’s dog), a pushmepullyou, ewoks (thanks @Annatheforager) and a snuffleupagus. @mondoagogo also suggested that visitors to the zoo would be driven around in a Catbus. I mean, doesn’t Hereford Zoo sound like the best place to visit. Huge thanks & kudos to Apple for putting it on the map.

But seriously, back up. Update. Don’t loose important contacts or that really important photo of a pint of beer.



Blog posts written in my head recently have been about the following subjects;
•My Best Bat’s Wedding – or how important it is to wear the right knickers when you are being a bridesmaid.
•Ludlow Festival – how to loiter in pubs, befriend The Actors, dance like your life depended on it to Abba & to wander around looking sluttish in a kimono.
•Old Stuff – clothes, trains, friends. Always special. Sometimes smelly.
•Holes – big gaps where people should be.
•Holidays – have a week off. Spend many hours on trains visiting friends. Fail to do anything more cultural than drink in Soho.
•Poetry – something absolutely wonderful about the ex-court poet from North Korea. And my ability to quote ee cummings at opportune moments.
•Books – I may have started reading again. And then stopped again.
•Failure – My life plan is still unsorted. But life is pretty fun.
•’limpics – or how we all now sit in bars discussing the Industrial Revolution.
There, bet you are relieved I have been neglecting this space. Again.

The Fear


Although I am more than happy at having to amuse myself for long periods of time…and even as someone who can actually get a bit scratchy when they are in the company of others for too long, I do get The Fear come evenings & weekends…when I am CONVINCED that everyone else is out having fun & I am stuck at home, alone. (I remember being sent to bed early in the summer as a child, and hearing my cousins still playing outside in their garden).

To keep The Fear at bay, I have surrounded myself with a gang of friends (the words Queen & Bee do get tagged to my name). I go out and Do Things (yoga, singing) some evenings. I go to the cinema, even if it is just to see Michael Fassbender’s cock. I  sit in a bar & entertain the staff on a hothothot summer evening, when every other idiot is sat outside in a beer garden. I go to pub quizes, I plan Games Nights.

Sometimes though, I just collapse in a heap. If my heap can collapse with a good book, in the sun & preferavbly near a river, all the better.

This is how my last weekend was spent…

(was out M,T,W & T nights..)Fri work all day. Home. Eat. Skedaddle to the countryside for Girlie Drinks. Drink tea whilst discussing porn. More friends join us, I get the offer of a spare bed to sleep in. I start to drink. We leave pub & have another cup of tea. We start drinking again – pink drinks. We talk opening & honestly about EVERYTHING until 4am. I go to sleep in the bottom bunk, surrounded by books & dinosaurs. The birds are singing gloriously, it is light outside. Sat 8am. Wake up. Get fed a fantastic bacon & egg banjo (even though the bread was a bit dodgy). Skedaddle back to home. Shower. Whizz round to work. People bring me coffee & buns. I have my busiest day yet being nice to people. At 5 I shoot home, climb in a baking hot car & head back to the village I left 9 hours ago.Put on new red wedgesandals, attempt to walk without breaking leg. See friends at a BBQ. Drink pink drinks, this time non-alcoholic. I leave BBQ & head across the road to see friends for a quick drink. I then leave the village, and batoutofhell it up the road to another party. Again, I wobble on the wedges. Talk grownuptalk, eat yummy food & scrumptious birthday cake. Leave ridiculously early, because, lets face it, I’m exhausted. Sleep solidly, like having jet-lag. Sunday, haul carcass down to the river with a good book. Eat good food. Talk to nice people. Swim in the river in my undies. Loose book somewhere (how, I do not know). Find a hat. And so it starts it all over again….

Unless you live under a rock, or in deepest, darkest Peru, you can’t have failed to notice the sun. It’s up there, in the sky, making everything toasty & bright. After months of gloom, everything is screaming for the sun. We did have that lovely week in March (sandals in March, whodathunkit?) which I was almost convinced WAS our summer. And then the rain fell…and having friends who are farmers (with dry wells) I knew we needed some rain. But after days of it, even I was begging for the end. And then we would have a day which, although cold looked promising. And halfway through this day we would have a hail storm. And then another. And another.

But now, the gods are looking kindly on us. It may only be here for a short while, but we as a nation do make the most of it. Old men walk, semi naked, through the streets. Babies lie, milk bloated in their prams in just nappies. Girls desperately wax their legs at 11pm, just so they can wear a skirt the next day (or is that just me?).

And so I sit in the sun. Which my skin & soul craves. And it’s another reminder of why I must go away next January. Another summer in wintertime is what I need.

Last Week…


I loved painting in the sun. The smell of acrylic paints reminded me of art college. I was surrounded by the best of friends, getting bits & pieces ready for Bat’s wedding in two weeks time. In the evening the gin flowed so freely I ended up a gibbering wreck & quickly resorted to coca cola.
I didn’t love…pineapples & BT. Have you ever eaten a piece of pineapple & felt like your mouth had exploded into hothothot flames? Well now I have. And BT, ack that’s a iamboredwithjoba & a seriouslackofbroadbandbecauseBTfuckedup issue. One can be easily resolved, the other will wait a few months.

This week…


I have mostly been enjoying 2p slot machines, this song, texts from LNT89, Freaks & Geeks and prosecco.

I haven’t loved…the rain, my runny nose, tasteless apples.










Last week I was going to start a health kick. Basically, I was just going to remember to go to yoga & was thinking about going to zumba.  I was knocked off this Path of Good Intention by a friend coming round for tea and, hang on, what stopped me from going to zumba, oh yes, a nap after work and then an early night. Ho hum. But really guv, in my defence, I have been rather busy doing Nice Stuff to be bothered about doing Stuff That Makes Me Ache. Nice Stuff involves gin and films and beer and quizzes and sweets and train journeys and friends and art and food and dead calves* and graffiti  and parties and and and just Nice Stuff. But this week, I am trying to make myself ache. Just a little bit. My shoulders have spent most of the day reminding my body that it attempted yoag for the first time in months last night. And then I will throw myself gingerly step into the swimming pool tonight, just to see if I can still float (it is amazing, but not everyone can float. It is my Super Skill). And then, only after I have swum, will I reward myself with a g&t.


*dead calf was spotted on an evening walk, which was a nice thing.



Back. Sort of. Back in the country at least, and have been for almost as long as I was away. Who knows if I’m back to posting on here regularly though.

Things changed whilst I was away. Mainly in my head. I decided to Do More with my spare time, to get out of my comfort zone, to get away at weekends, to join the gym, etc etc. And then I came home & slipped right back into it. And then very quickly I decided that life was too short & it is time to throw caution (and savings) to the wind. Seems getting out of my Comfort Zone will be giving up my job & buggering back off to Oz, not just leaving Lud for the occasional weekend. Plans are vague at the moment, to say the least. But I know it will happen.

Oh dear, and I had such high hopes for my little part of the worldwideweb. As it is, my blog is seriously malnourished, only just about managing to survive on the tidbits I rarely throw at it. I always start a diary with the intention of writing in it each day, and by May I have given up, and use the remaining months for shopping lists & notepaper, and so it is with this blog. Summers pass by unrecorded, simply because I am too busy bouncing on trampolines or sitting drinking gin in beer gardens. And then the autumn is a whirl of bonfires & houseparties and friends having new babies. Winter comes around, and after the Christmas parties comes hibernation. Except this year, its all change. I have been banished to the the other end of the world for a few weeks. I will come back and life will continue to carry on just as it has…until then, here is the blog of my exploits in Oz.